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Friday, February 27, 2004

DON'T TOUCH ME THERE 

The vexed question of schoolchildren and jewellery is with us again.
A New Zealand girl has been forced to leave her school because she is not allowed to wear a crystal necklace that has a calming effect on her.
The girl in question was called into a teacher's office where her necklace was cut off, according to a report in The New Zealand Herald and Colonial Times.
How's that for a double standard?
If a Maori girl was treated like this, in the current climate, I don't think she would dare to complain.
Meanwhile, at the same school, the children of Maoris are allowed to flaunt their taongas - greenstone or bone carvings (Whose bones? You might well ask!) - with impunity.
I have a great deal of sympathy with the young lady in question. At the Reserve Bank I found harnessing the strength of crystals gave me extraordinary power over dark, unseen economic forces which threatened our land. Mandrake and catspaw were also very effective.
My personal view is that jewellery is best left unseen - a simple Prince Albert or nipple clamp is both decorative and decorous and does not run the risk of offending people, such as New Zealanders, for whom the sight of jewellery is repugnant.
Having said that, however, a National government will refuse to be ruled by superstition, and permit the wearing of magic crystals by New Zealanders and Maoris.

Today's phrase is 'tapu' - to give thanks for being regular.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

IS 'GREY' THE NEW 'BLUE'? 

I was quite impressed by Willie Jackson on the Holmes show last night.
Susan asked him questions, and although inflamed with the passion of his species, he managed to answer some of them without going completely berko.
Judging by his self-control, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a bit of New Zealander in him.
Anyway, Willie Jackson says I'm on half a million dollars a year.
Well, he's wrong.
In order to serve my country properly, I had to take a wage cut. And I can tell you that the Brash household has suffered the full impact of my reduced circumstances.
And to be specific, I'm earning marginally less than one hundred thousand a year but only quite a bit more than the minimum wage.
While on the subject of being specific, the usual wags are saying that I'm angrying up the nation's blood with my sweeping generalisations and inability to supply plausible evidence that those Maoris are taking us for a ride.
Well let's look at that for a moment.
If I were to isolate facts and details and point fingers at individuals (as my critics suggest) then I'd be turning the entire debate into some poll-motivated witch hunt.
And that smacks of racism.
Incidentally, that Susan's a marvelous interviewer.
Holmes is lucky to be married to such a woman.

Today's phrase is 'tutai' - when one's colon is knotted.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Let me clear up something.
Critics are eager to seize on the fact that I'll withdraw funding from universities with special entry programmes for Maoris but they didn't bother to ask what I'd offer in their place.
Two words; grief counselling.
If we place a few grief counsellors in the universities that Maoris are likely to attend under my new regime (maybe we can just use the one counsellor - he or she can drive from AUT to Carrington in less than half an hour) then we'd produce a workforce-friendly Maori.
How?
Well ... after a couple of sessions with the grief counsellor, the Maori will see the error of his ways, only attend the hole-in-the-ground bit of a tangi and be back on the road crew by 2pm.
Life goes on my Maori friend, life goes on.

Trevor Mallard is no match for Gerry "Sammy" Brownlee and I'm looking forward to their first televised debate.
If you believe the adage "the camera adds on the pounds" then Gerry will certainly lend the required gravitas to his ministerial pronouncements.
Or at the very least squeeze Mallard out of the picture.


The phrase for today is 'hongi' - to inhale food.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

My speech was very well received in Invercargill last night. Given the local repertory society was presenting a home-grown production of The Sinking of the Mikhail Lermontov, I regard my full house as quite an achievement.
The local Maori was out in force and told me after my presentation that he had never laughed so much in his life. Good to know my well-honed quips are finding their mark.

I'm disappointed that Trevor Mallard has decided not to close down schools in far away places inhabited by Maoris. No matter. I'll get Bill onto it where we're in. I've got Bill busy developing our education policy at the moment and I've given him a few ideas:

1. More slates for schools in remote areas

2. A National government will guarantee to keep kiddies' inkwells full at all times.

3. Compulsory bullrush

I have received a letter from one Mel Gibson, apparently a film-maker, regarding the possibility of producing a version of my life for the silver screen. It raises the intriguing possibility of who would play me - George Sanders, perhaps, or Leslie Howard. Both are excellent performers, but if I had my way, the role would go to James Stewart.



Today's phrase is 'morena' - a request for repeats of ancient episodes of Coronation Street

Monday, February 23, 2004

THANK THE GOD OF YOUR CHOICE IT'S MONDAY! 

John Spong - remarkable guy - said that most of the conventional Christian beliefs, like the resurrection, were such that 20th century mankind simply could not reconcile them with any reality they knew. This resonated with me. I told my father I'd read this, and he said, "Yeah, that's right."
He was, to my surprise, quite comfortable with this.

I've got three children and you can't be unaware of what the world is like when you have children.
My adult son Alan was the concept originator for The Strip.
I've watched a bit of it, and I said to him, 'Alan, this is not really my kind of TV programme.' He said, 'That's not surprising, Dad, you're not the target demographic.' Which was women, aged 18-39.
So I'm not totally unaware of what the rest of the world does.

Work is the adrenalin I believe. SInce I've been in politics, going around making speeches, the constant adrenalin rush seems to have kept me healthy. I haven't had a cold in two years.

Today's phrase: wahine - exclamation of someone alarmed by the noise made by a stallion

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