Friday, March 05, 2004


Helen Clark has asked me to “bring it on”. But I will not enter into a playground fracas on the important issues facing the nation. This is no more than blatant electioneering. I am appalled that the Prime Minister has chosen to play the race card.

Recently I had the pleasure of addressing a cross-section of society at Auckland’s Northern Club - so named I believe because of its location. The fact there were no Maoris present speaks volumes about their interest in the important issues facing the nation. Either that or their lack of concern is an expression of confidence in my stewardship.
Frankly, it may be best for Maoris not to be involved in the economy - which is the case in many parts of the country - if David Tua’s ability to handle his finances is anything to go by.

Phrase for today is "haka' - person with a chest infection

Thursday, March 04, 2004


A cursory glance at reports of my address in Tauranga yesterday might create the misleading impression that it was a rowdy affair. On the contrary, while there was some vocal opposition expressed, the hecklers were only a small majority of those present.

Apparently, Maoris have a higher rate of mortality than New Zealanders, no matter what their income is.
Having thoroughly researched the Great Influenza Epidemic of Ought-Something, I believe that we are finally seeing the last waiata of a once-proud people.
But as a humanist and a doctor, I believe we must take drastic measures to preserve this wonderful race.
Therefore, in order to reduce the current mortality rate, we must keep Maoris in their natural economic environment - a type of financial containment unit - and not expose them to the colonialist ills of ambition, greed and elevated social status.

Which brings me to the issue of superannuation. My opponents have attempted to draw me into what they believe will be damaging admissions about my plans for this particular fiscal bogey. The National Party policy on superannuation is perfectly simple: I will not be announcing an about-face on this issue until we are elected. Please do not bring this matter up again until then.
Though I will just add that a change in the age of entitlement will not occur before 2020, by which time, as a supporter in Tauranga poignantly noted yesterday, I “will be dead”. Thank you for your concern.

Today's phrase is 'Tauranga' - a former National Minister of Maori Affairs was incorrect when he backed Winston

Wednesday, March 03, 2004


Warming our minds and hearts in the jetstream of The "Oscars", it can be forgiven that my vigorous assault on the Employment Relations has been somewhat overlooked.
But having since departed the "cinema of jubilation", it is time for me to restate my position in the squinty glare of daylight.
I have launched a vigorous assault on the Employment Relations Law Reform Bill because the sooner we remove relations from employment conditions, the sooner Maoris will realise that work is not a birth right.
Surely they realise that reliance on the largesse of their janitorial executive kumara cow papa (or mama come to think of it) in order to secure themselves a job, places them at an unfair advantage.
And imagine if this kind of nepotism was extended to other sectors of society.
Before you know it, families will be pooling their finances together in order to send their young Maoris to university.
It's a spit in the face of student loan schemes which, as you may be aware, provide us with the promise of taxation to come.
The burden of taxation on those who can least afford it is a burden removed from the shoulders of quality people who can thus concentrate on improving the prosperity of a nation.
Although I have chalked my own path and refuse to travel the route that the Government has stalled upon, I am aware of the natural order of things and will do my best to maintain them.

The phrase for today is 'tipuna' - to provide a gratuity to Charlie Chaplin's widow.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004


Although the lack of an invitation prevented me from attending the annual Academy Awards ceremony I shared the nation’s pride in our 11 Oscars. Even though most of the credit will inevitably go to the 25,000 people who worked on the film, I feel justified in describing them as “our Oscars” because “our” taxes paid for them [vid. NZ Listener 1896-2004, passim.]. In much the same way, we are entitled to refer to “our Maoris” because it is our taxes that subsidise their lavish lifestyles in the Far North and East Coast and their health care in South Auckland.

Maori loser Keisha Castle Hughes was a credit to her people, reflecting a long tradition of acknowledging defeat with good grace and losing the power of speech when confronted by a good-looking white man.

I noticed the publicity-seeking Prime Minister participated in some vulgar hoopla at Wellington’s Embassy Theatre thus ensuring her photo appeared in all the politically correct media.
The half dozen true cineastes who accepted my invitation to watch the awards on Sammy’s wide-screen television set all said they enjoyed the chance to watch the ceremony in absolute silence and savour every nuance over the four hours. The experience was only marred when Sammy stood up to adjust the volume at a crucial moment and thus prevented us seeing Peter Jackson receive his best director award.

The phrase for today is “Uruk-hai” - how to explain to a Japanese person they look intoxicated.

Monday, March 01, 2004


Whenever Sammy opens his mouth, things emerge - some of them amazing. His ability to cut through the core and eat his way to the surface of an issue is without peer.
By calling a certain smarty-pants Church do-gooder names on Linda Clark's National Nine Til Noon this morning, Sammy managed to put a human face onto an otherwise boring debate.
Hopefully these ecclesiastical busybodies will now stop inserting their crosiers where they’re not wanted and return to their time-honoured activities of fair-opening, alcoholism and the sin which is named for the City of the Plains.
Forget citing anonymous facts and figures, Sammy is as aware as I am that two percent is a minuscule amount and that nobody would even notice it if it went missing. Which is why we need to personalise politics in order to restore the bloodlust of a once-passionate
And like an enormous madeleine, Sammy is able to conjure up vivid widescreen images of a bygone past.
A past where New Zealanders lived (and Maoris sang) in harmony.
A past, in fact, too good to be true.
I'm certainly going back for seconds.

Meanwhile, I’m pleased to see our strategies are already getting results. I have received anecdotal reports that Maoris illegally studying in New Zealand tertiary institutions under divisive quota systems are being engaged by legitimate students in dialogue on their eligibility to be there. The Maoris are “taking this on board” as street parlance would have it - their work is suffering and they are reverting to the bowed-head, stooped shoulders and shuffling gait of their ancestors.

Finally, good luck to all those New Zealanders who have been nominated in this year’s Academy Awards presentation. And the Maori girl.

The phrase for today is 'Keisha Castle-Hughes' - colours for fortified palaces more closely resembling a French tart made with cheese and eggs.

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