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Friday, March 19, 2004

AUTEUR-ISM 

Mister Clark is hell-bent on dragging out the Treaty process by attempting to conduct a "korero" with the other political tribes.
I'm ashamed of her cynical attempts at placing false hope into brown hearts.

I would never stoop so low as to give Maoris reason to believe I'll do them any favours and I know that my actions and honesty in this matter "koreros" for itself.

Since Mister Clark was a no-show at my previous attempt to engage her in meaningful debate, it is obvious that she has absolutely nothing meaningful to debate whatsoever and is scared of me and the awesome powers of articulate communication which flow from the tips of my finger tongues.

I mentioned yesterday how there was a time when I used to mutter into my serviette. I failed to add that sometimes the serviette would reply. I think there is a wonderful analogy to be drawn from this but at the moment it escapes me.

All I can say is that these days I'm listening more to the inner-Don and someday hope to share with you the meaning of this secret language (which for the present only I can understand as you are all far too stupid).

The phrase for today is 'tangi' - over-enthusiastic for a first pash.


Thursday, March 18, 2004

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE 

So Winston Peters is working in cahoots with the prime minister.
Well, best of luck to her but I've never met an Italian I didn't
mistrust. And I don't mean that to sound racist - it's an observation based on research.
I've been fortunate in having some of the best data-manipulators and fact-shapers at my disposal. They've not only helped raised my political profile but they've made me quite the livewire on the dinner-party circuit.
Whereas before I'd only be able to mutter figures Rain Man-like into my serviette, now I'm able to hold my ground with an effervescent line of repartee.
My wife informs me that this is called having a "personality".
I'm going to have Sammy look into the political ramifications of this.
By the way, did you know that Maoris used to eat each other?

The phrase for today is 'whare' - My, that's quite some distance.


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

AN AFFAIR TO DISMEMBER 

I did not in any sense slight the Prime Minister's own marriage. I made no reference to her marriage at all in my letter, so I don't feel there is anything for which to apologise.
I think this is a diversion by the Prime Minister. She is clearly uncomfortable with the concern that New Zealanders are expressing about the Treaty of Waitangi.
She has tried a different tactic almost every week for the last seven weeks to divert attention from that and I am not going to be diverted from that primary focus.
She has made her own views on marriage quite clear. She is either indifferent to or opposed to depending what sources you read.
I'm not keen to get involved in trading insults with the bitch and I don't plan to be doing that.

Well, by now everyone knows I have a penis. I suppose it had to come out sooner or later. But, chaps, believe me, if you’d been anywhere near the Kiwifruit Authority in the ’80s you would have done the same. You’ve never seen such a bevy of bodacious bureaucrats. No wonder that’s where I found my own little Chinese gooseberry.

I don’t think in the long run this brouhaha about an affair will do any harm. At worst, I’ve definitely got the horny old goat vote in the bag.

Of course, the news about the affair has hit Sammy hard. I’ve had to explain that as men grow up they develop certain … urges, that need to be satisfied. And sometimes Mummy and Daddy have special cuddles for that. I think he got the message. Anyway, he was certainly giving Deborah Coddington some very strange looks.

The phrase for today is 'ripeka' - one who nibbles again.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

SENIOR MOMENT FEATURE WRITER OF THE YEAR 

Another hatchet job on me, in the new issue of a magazine called North & South. The cunning of the media knows no bounds (a bit like Sammy’s belt).
By drawing an apparently fawning pen portrait of myself, the writer, one Roger Warwick, obviously intends to undermine my credibility by the exaggerated nature of his sycophancy.
Apparently Mr Warwick has won several Qantas Awards. How he manages to hold down a job at Qantas while writing such long magazine articles is beyond me.
I have learnt recently that he followed me on one of my recent progresses in order to write his story, and was indeed present at Orewa on the Night of Miracles. I was unaware of who Mr Warwick was during this time, which has led to an unfortunate misunderstanding. However, since learning the facts, I have contacted the police and withdrawn the complaint.
I am, of course, no stranger to this kind of journalism. I remember holding a copy of this particular periodical in my hands some time ago. I was able to get them clean quite easily, but the smell lingered for days.

The very name of the journal symbolises so much of what is wrong with this country. You cannot be both north and south, just as you cannot have two types of New Zealanders.

Shortly after publication, I was contacted by a representative of the magazine, who suggested I might like to take out a subscription. Frankly, I can get all the information I need about the modern world from The People’s Friend and Readers’ Digest. The latter is quite clever – they choose good stories and summarise them to save you time reading them. And I always get a chuckle out of Humour in Uniform. Sammy enjoys getting my copies when I’ve finished with them.

The phrase for today is 'adultery' - where you can pick some babes

Monday, March 15, 2004

THE PASSION OF THE SAMMY 

Extraordinary thing happened at church the other day. I’d just sat down and started giving God some ideas for commandments when this woman stood up and started ranting about social justice and poor people. Not that she looked as though she’d ever gone hungry, though Sammy said he thought she could do with a bit more meat on her bones. (Sammy can be a bit annoying at church - he just sits there jiggling up and down until it’s time for communion.)
Anyway, I got to thinking. Jesus was a carpenter, and Sammy was a woodwork teacher.
Interesting, isn’t it?

I was so distracted I inadvertently put a note in the collection plate instead of my customary pretty gold coin. Had an awful time getting it back after the service.

Am also having an awful time keeping up with the PM about whether or not there’ll be a commission of inquiry into the "Treaty" of "Waitangi". Not that I’m worried about any possible consequences. I finally got Sammy to have a look at it the other day. He tells me it’s full of mistakes. It calls the queen Victoria instead of Elizabeth, to name but one. I intend to point this out in the House at the earliest opportunity. Keep it under your hats for now though - I expect it will have quite an impact when I drop my bombshell.

The phrase for today is ‘karakia’ - an Indian dish prepared using a native bird.

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