Friday, March 26, 2004


What a week it’s been. That Michael Cullen certainly has a mean mouth on him. Fortunately Sammy was more than a match for his invective when “Dr” Cullen tried to draw him into an argument the other day. No matter what he said, Sammy simply retorted, “I know you are but what am I?” He’s a hard man to best in a verbal tussle.

This weekend, however, I will be taking the phones off the hook, going offline and drawing the curtains so as not to miss a minute of the new Maori Television Service.
I hope to see educational programmes for upwardly mobile Maori: how to use a shovel, which way to turn your sign to tell the traffic it is safe to proceed, getting a mop into those difficult corners - that sort of thing.
But it’s good to leaven such intellectual fodder with a little levity. Fortunately, I hear, the service will be broadcasting The Billy T James Show. Now that was a funny man. I recall several “skits” portraying Maori as lazy and thieving which were particularly mirthsome.

The phrase for today is ‘rakau’ - to insult a bovine.

Thursday, March 25, 2004


Labels tend to stick and I guess I'm going to have to live with mine.
What started out as a witty mixture of languages which I call Te French (kind of like Franglais except mine incorporates two dead languages) has become yet another reason to call me a racist.
Well let me set the record straight.
When I put that “non Maori” sign on my office door it was supposed to be taken in context with the others I Sellotaped alongside it. But I suppose that “non dogs” or “non junkmail” slogans haven't the same power to grab the headlines - do they, non?
My wife is also a non-Maori, probably more so than me, but I still insist she speaks English.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I use mine all the time.
The Treaty of Waitangi, as I explained on The Susan Wood Show featuring Paul Holmes, is not a real treaty because there was no Maori nation in 1840. The treaty was signed between the British, who were a proper nation even though they don’t live here any more, and what is best described as a loose collection of social clubs for brown people without any clothes or much in the way of art using perspective.
Therefore, as I said on The Wonderful World of Holmes, it was not a partnership as many people understand it. It was more like a marriage.
Why is this so hard for commentators to get their heads around? Honestly, some of them are as slow as Sammy’s metabolism.

The phrase for today is ‘kuia’ - even more of an Australian greeting.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004


The Holmes Variety Hour last night was somewhat less than a total balls-up. In fact, you could call it incomplete bollocks.
Not once did Holmes ask me anything regarding my recently-publicized penis nor did he introduce me to his wife Susan Wood.
Instead he put forward questions posted by idiots (i.e. you people, the public) and it became quite apparent by his ruthless line of inquiry that he felt threatened by my popularity and vigour.
During this harsh interrogation, my forehead moistened considerably and, to the untrained eye, took on the appearance of flop sweat. However, let me assure you as a qualified doctor that it was in fact a powerful pheremone and by "marking out my territory", Holmes was quickly humbled into a stutter.
As the forehead is the largest organ on my body, such a bountiful excess of "love juice" renders me irresistable beyond measure to members of both sexes - which explains the absence of both Mrs Susan Wood Holmes and Mister Clark.
But credit where credit's due and therefore I must applaud Mister Clark for taking every measure to avoid my organ and thus making a spectacle of herself.
And to Mrs Susan Wood Holmes; I am a man who understands the sanctity of marriage and would never place temptation at your doorstep.
If you ever find anything unwelcome on your door mat then it's possibly the work of darker forces (i.e. Maoris).

the phrase for today is 'titiwhai' - to feminize an aggressive female.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004


So the Prime Minister - and isn’t it odd that she’s called a minister, which is a religious word, when she is on the record as being a devout Satanist - is unwilling to have intercourse with me on the Paul Holmes Variety Hour. I hear that her place in the planned debate will indeed be taken by an empty chair. Well, two can play at that game, missy. I have decided not to participate in the debate either. Therefore there will be two empty chairs. I’m sure Mr Holmes won’t notice or have any difficulty filling in for both of us.

Since the above was written, Signor Winston Peters has volunteered to appear with me in the debate instead of the Prime Minister, but I have declined his invitation also. I fear his presence would run the risk of making him look like an opportunist. I do hope the studio is big enough to accommodate three empty chairs.

Speaking of needing three chairs, Sammy has really taken the bull by the horns on the childhood obesity issue. He says the problem is that it's very hard for kids to put on any weight at all with those new salads at McDonald’s. As he puts it, they “wouldn’t fill Jeanette Fitzsimons”. Brilliant mind, that Sammy.

The phrase for today is ‘kereru’ - to regret a Newstalk ZB evening talkback host

Monday, March 22, 2004


I’ve never been a great believer in opinion polls. There was a time for instance when I trailed somewhat behind Darren McDonald as preferred Prime Minister. However, it only takes one good idea to turn things around, and I fully intend to have that idea in the near future.

In the meantime, I have decided to reach out to the young people of New Zealand. My attention has been drawn to the fact that Mr Clark has a regular slot on the breakfast show of a young person’s radio station called bMF. Frankly, I think this is just another one of her Hugh turns.
Apparently, the media are the key to this sort of thing. Sammy has pointed out that while my recent appearances on the covers of North and South and the Listener magazine have taken care of our target near-dead demographic, young people are the voters of the future. I will contact the editor of AA Directions at the soonest opportunity.


The phrase for today is ‘mihi’ - an identity crisis.

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